Never Say Goodbyes

Since it is my 20th posts in this world of blogienomephilism.
There's nothing to celebrate. N-O-T-H-I-N-G..

I feel so depressed lately. It seems that my life is useless. I'm so unproductive. My mind having some hallucinations and catastrophe that I don't even understand. My quizzes in my subjects this past few days are sooo low or even pasang-awa lang. I am such a loser. I can't study. I don't even try to study. I'm in nothingness. I felt tired to go to school. I'm so clumsy. I don't have enough energy to work in our laboratory. I'm tired of everything. Almost everything. I'm in vain of having procrastination. I'm in deep grief. And so be it.

Then, I realized that a "morning-sickness" makes me pisses off. I kept on whining. I am really depressed. So tired of weeping and weeping that what's like my sclera would fall off. I can't groan into it. I'm really such a damn fat loser! I tried to hide this feelings like a usual me. And deep inside that the preload behind my heartbeats makes me feel uncomfortable that I guess it would burst off. I tried to hide it from everyone. And I guess nobody cares. I can't talk to them about my problem so I guess I should prefer to write on this blog before my body would feel a hypoxia and suffocate myself when it's too late. Oh pity me.

As a child, there were times that I didn't get it but it kept me inline. You always there for me. Because you love me. Unconditional love that I can't actually return it now with an instant. You are my hero. My savior. My inspiration. And I just can't forget you no matter what. You grew me up with your genuine and selfless desire. Desire to make it happen. To make it will. To follow with thyself what it's like to believe in. To be congruent with my heart and my mind before making a decision that it makes me independent. To be mature and being immature for good. You makes me smile with no reason. You were there in times that I felt alone. You made me feel naive. In the sense that, to be a good and responsible mortal one. You are just one of a kind.

And it makes me weep. Oh deeply weeps.

I will never forget that you were there when I graduated my preliminary and elementary days. You were there when I had my first dental check-up. You were also there when I joined some contests that I didn't won and you tell to me that you were so proud of me (sigh). You were there to teach me how to pray the rosary. You were there to buy me crayons that I want it so bad. You were there to bought me a cake when I had my birthday celebrations. You were there when I need a guidance coming from God. You were there to fight for me. You were there when I had my first communion, confirmation and the sacrament of penance. You believe me that there were tooth fairy. You were there when I had my ulcer problems. You were there to make me comfortable in times that I'm having a nervous breakdown for my personal preferences. You were there to hear my problems. You were there to support me. To lighten things up. To cheer me up. To buy me an ice cream so that I'll stop crying. Then I'll stop whining. You stodged me with a happy laughter of fun and enjoyable moments that we had. You strudged me to begin in a right path. And it makes me enthusiast. You reminded me to finish my meals. You were there in times that I felt sad. You were always there.

And I miss you. I missing the times before.
Before that I never fall inlove. What it makes to be inlove?

I didn't know why you didn't show up sometimes. It's something more than saying "I miss you". You taught me to say an alphabet. And new learnings. Reminded me to wash my hands before eating and do not speak when my mouth is full. Taught me to respect everyone but always be guided by do not talk to strangers. You helped me with my projects and work stuffs. You support me for what I believe to. From what is good and what is evil. To appreciate little things. You made me feel important. In times, I had an animosity with my 'rents you were also there. To fix things up. You are my angel. You are my idol. And need to be extol from it. From within. You made me strong. You guided me in everything and not to forget that I should be always keep my feet on the ground. You bought me a chocolate. A big red baloon. And a cotton candy which makes my sibs in jealously. So petty. :')

And you never got the chance to see how good I've done. And you never got to see me back at number one. I wish that you were here to celebrate together. I wish that we could spend the holidays together.

I know that you suffered a lot. And I am really really really sorry that I am not there to be with you in times that you need my help. Sorry grandma, I can't hold it back. I am sorry that there was a barrier between us. A barrier that I can't actually restrain from it. I can't resolve from it. And I can't even don't know how to balance it. Been busy with my job. To be a student. To be a succesful someday. Will you wait for me? I know that you are in deep pain. And I'm so sorry to say that. I knew that you waited me. Waiting and wishing that we will see each other soon, that you are still strong and having a capacity to know me. You waited for two and a half years, that it seems that two more year and a half I can be a successful and reaching to my goals and dreams. I perceive that you are the number one who will be sooo proud of me and sooo happy to see me. But then again. I guess, you'd suffered a lot. You're tired of waiting for me to come back. You can't take it anymore and you need a sleep so that you will have an ATP to see me. I know that you were happy now and still cheer me up in times that I'd lost. And I love you to do that. I know that you felt grimaced. To be there for Him. To be with Him. And to be like Him. I am also proud of you and happy for you. Will you say hi for me? Promise me to be there for me? I really missed you and I will cherish the quondam memoirs when I'm with you. I love you.

And I smelled your breath. That it makes me cry.

Tomorrow I'll be going back home. And we will see each other.
This will be the last. And it will never say goodbye.